so l should be feeling er excited, proud...nah more concerned about the flab plopping out at some special moment...
Warwick Tower, my biz, was nominated for retailer of the year by a networking group back in June, the public voted for three months and then we were short-listed to the final three....( we've only been open 7 months) and tomorrow is the awards dinner at a central hotel ballroom AND a bloody red carpet an all.. and all this is in Carlisle..
so I went and bought my first long gown, thanks tkmaxx, am sure mum was with me, she loved tkmaxximama, we used to call it...and it was the first one l looked at... a long black lace column dress, very simple, and I have shoes, vintage bag, several earrings to choose from...and if I had a bath I would soak long and bubbly, but a shower will have to suffice..
My biz partner is taking his girl and as l haven't a plus one I am taking a girl too!
so after a few glasses of Jack and a shit load of slap/make up, I am sure we will be p…
I find myself meandering through blogland and rifling through others' pages and places ,
I know I should avoid some, they only serve to remind where I cannot go...
I have been overwhelmed with my new business in a good way and I wrap myself up in it by day and evening, my passion and now my bread and butter is one. A dream come true....you would think that would satisfy but it does not entirely. There is still this void.
Once full of family life, my children, my mum and a tie that binds, I now wander through my busy days, hands busy, mind full of tasks outstanding, plotting and planning, endless list making, all a joy,
but my heart is heavy and I cannot fill this gaping empty hole... I miss so much, and so many.
Still, I keep busy....
It has been a year already and so Moannie's/Mum's first anniversary two weeks ago was spent with my brother and sister, who made the road trip up to Carlisle. The first time anyone has been to visit me from down home, since I moved here as …
My son Patrick turned 19 in the summer, just one day before he leapt across the Atlantic to up state New York for his 2nd year of uni...I miss him. even though he has already been away from me for a year, we have been in touch, email/skype/viber more than last year.
But he is truly away from me, on another vast expanse of earth, separated. This time is different. I expressed this, though less emotionally t'other evening..and his response was, 'yeah, but mum we are under the same sky..!'
such calming, soft words, soothed.
He has been my companion, my world these last few years; his first year of uni, were my first days truly single, starting over. Loss of purpose is very hard to deal with, and each of the last three years has brought about layer upon layer of loss and partings.
He is my last born, my baby...my man child...my hero
How would life be, if he had chosen to remain with his father and sister, after the break-up.
so I thought today was gonna be a lucky day..(.in denial that it could be anything less than brilliant...friday 13th )
it's my holiday week, first since we opened, I didn't got to west coast of Scotland to the caravan as planned, as my pals couldn't come and didn't fancy it alone all week.... and so yep I got bored, after rearranging the house, painting furniture and cooking up a storm for one, me!
I can't ride my new bike, 'cos tyre burst straight away, brakes flucked, cantilever something or other blah blah...and well the weather is shite, and frankly I don't know how to fix it. Crap on tv.. . have run out of gin, wine and choc...
I so I am back to work early...and it's very quiet here in tower... so what now, l'll get wet feet in my flip flops on the way home, hot shower, hot food and a hot gusto praps...
ahh and only 14 weeks till Christmas, that's cheery....
.tongue stuck firmly in cheek
love is selfish
love is bickering
love is settling
love is destructive
love is struggling
love is being afraid
love is claustrophobic
love is one sided
love is being lonely
love is manipulation
love is, as and when
love is anger
love is antagonistic
love is feeling lost
love is betrayal,
love is for the kids' sake,
love is demeaning
love is self serving
love is losing yourself
is now my truth
love is comfortable
love is feeling alive
love is sharing
love is friendship
love is liking him/her
love is in the easy silence
and in the laughter,
and sharing the detail
love is the fun and the silliness,
love is everything I thought it could not possibly be,
love is within our grasp
love is in the unexpected
love is sometimes letting go,
because you must,
love is forever
This was taken just as my son Patrick left for the airport on Thursday
he is now comfortably settled into his suite at SUNY
we have talked on skype/viber
and I am suitably reassured now that I have seen him
and approved his new digs
heyho...it is what it is
but am unsure as to what happens now....lol
I have just finished helping my son pack his bags,
yes he is leaving, again,
this time last year he was preparing for his first year of uni,
today well yesterday really, he turned 19...jeez how fast it flies...
and tomorrow, well today,
are you still with me? He leaves for america, suni Binghamton, NY..until june 2014..
please take care of him over there...watch out for him, he is my baby..yes all 6'2" of him, dimples an all..
this is what we strive for, work for, prepare them and praps not so well, prepare us for...time to fly...
SOAR!! I love the very bones of you Patrick!! I am soo proud....
don't forget to call, text, email, skype or even write..
I almost forgot it was my birthday on friday last, scary numbers, how long can I go on saying I'm 48 I wonder!!
I'm scared I shall forget your face,
that it will dim beyond memory,
I'm saddened that I don't know your thoughts,
nor your dreams,
and that my life moves on, day by day,
with me wanting it to stay still,
but it just moves further away from
what once was my reality, reduces,
like the pull of the tide going out
and then rushing back in toward me,
taking my breath away momentarily, and
remembering once more and aching for
a moment of joy,
these moments out of my control, deplete me,
I am lessened by the loss,
and yet too I am full and without regret,
because without which,
I would not have known...
Yes !! I know this is a hard one, considering the amount of rain and strong winds we seem to be having here in Cumbria..
Even so, I defy the weather and wear open toed sandals or flips flops daily, event hough I feel like a wet fish when I get home...my sunglasses are permanently across the bridge of my nose...and I omit to take a cardigan out most day, in sheer defiance and stupidity..
I have been to one BBQ so far this year, for Charlotte's birthday bash...
Mostly I sit in the back yard. or lay in the hammock, swinging and hoping we get a few HOT days
so come on now, don't be shy, show yourself sunshine..
....ugh!! I have always said, I don't want to date! I really loathe the idea! I haven't ever really done it.... oh a few times way back in the 1900's...
If I'm meant to meet someone then he'll find me, this makes sense dontcha think? The few relationships I've had, and I think they total TWO in my adult life, we've just happened upon each other.. et voila!
To arrange, and manipulate strikes me that I will appear desperate! And that I am not...well maybe a bit, though not to meet, greet and marry you understand, been there done that.. I cannot imagine doing that again, aint gonna have more kids so what is the point!
So the story is, my pal knows a guy, a work colleague....and apparently told him that he should meet me, as in she thinks we are suited...now bear in mind she knows my story, knows how I feel about dating and knows that although I am 'open' to the idea.. I kind of can't be arsed....and yet she knows I have needs. Well not necessarily …
no longer dragging my bones into
my stuffy uniform
and sloughing my feet down the hill
to a long day of boredom,
with too much time to think
I have a new purpose,
into which I can channel my energies and drive...
I now am a whirling dervish of enthusiasm,
bustle and hustle
and my days, often all seven of them,
have a focus, at my new store
that is challenging and exciting,
a pulse long overdue
... and so begins each new day
as I grab some juice, a cuppa
and pad into the back yard...
the sun is already hotting up,
and the blazing sunlight
enhances the home grown florals
I can't help but smile
in response to this morning glorious
which greets me,
at the start of my day...
I've been quiet for a month or so now, but I have been oh so busy!
As you know in the background I have been plotting with my biz partner Stuart; after the success of our Vintage fairs we decided over a year ago to take time to find premises, which was no cheap task as commercial property rents are very expensive on the high street. Undeterred we finally found a venue in an old iconic city centre building above a long established cooker shop, over three floors, containing 13 rooms of very differing sizes.
Stuart and I are like-minded in our passion for vintage fashion and all things antique, vintage and retro and dedicated to helping others unable to hit the high street flying solo, to begin their dreams by getting together and building within a community seeking similar goals. We have both had a terrible year in our personal lives, full of drama and heartache and although these feelings and pain resonate still, I believe that he, like myself, needed a new challenge and a purpose…
yesterday was one of those days, it was completely out of my control! I had been at work an hour when suddenly out of nowhere, a searing red pain halted me in my tracks, right through my sternum and proceeded to move around my chest to settle in the back..breathless and clammy I gingerly walked to reception and got cover...and went and sat outside with a glass of water...
One hour later I was admitted into hospital, chest really painful.. it felt like major muscle cramps but I could tell everyone at work was concerned I was having a heart attack. One Tracer, Ecg, blood tests, chest xray, cannula, painkillers and the magic aspirin later...and I dozed most of the afternoon away, despite the poor old lady with dementia beside me, continuously shouting, 'what shall I do....lay down and die!'
The Consultant visited and proclaimed me healthy in heart, bloods and chest, telling me that I had probably had Oesophageal Spasms and linked it to my ibs, reassuring me that the first episod…
I am in reflective mood and in a bit of a rut,
whilst trying to make things work,
I'm swinging from low to high,
back and forth...
I find writing down my mish-mash of thoughts always helps
and so I'm thinking about how in the last three years,
my long marriage broke up,
I moved house with my son,
in the process my daughter withdrew from me.
I got divorced.
A lovely man found me and then I lost him.
My son left home for university and
my mum fought a year long cancer battle,
I moved house, again.
Now I am at a crossroads,
no responsibilities other than myself,
with no real social or personal life,
I am focusing on the things I CAN change,
new business waiting in the wings,
or rather the red tape to be cut through,
then day by day, I begin..
written out like this and read over and over,
it reads like a pity party (well it is, I am)
but I always get up in the morning and begin again,
day after day...
I want more... so quitting isn't an option
but jeez is it…
from Virginia slim's advert....
but then thought better of it 'cos well it's ciggie advert
and well it was just the phrase that came to mind...
as I sit here looking back on how far I've come
from this very moment three years ago
here's to the next three and the three after that.....
thank you to all my blog pals
and to Charlotte, Lynn, Debbie, Mand and Rick,
and to Moannie and J.P and
to all the special lovelie's I cannot mention here..
but most of all to my son Patrick,
who stayed with me... propped me up, every step,
and for who I stayed strong
and who now is making his own way.
As am I
the things that hurt and undo me... I continue to remain focused on the new home, the new venture, oh and the cat! Thank god for that wee ball of fluff!
The new project is in full swing; the public meeting went well with 40 people turning up to hear our song. 13 have signed up and promised to pay the dollar. We are on track for taking on the lease on 1st March (cross everything please) and to open mid March. We (Stuart, my biz partner @ Very Vintage Affairs) have decided to name the venue Warwick Tower.....because the road is Warwick and the building has a tower...well duh, simples!
....it needs lots of creative decoration and many pots of paints, so if anyone is free weekends come help out..
While I try and get my head around the paperwork side of things, and find more stock and remodel Sara's Attic; which I have decided to call 'Molly Anne's Daughter' in tribute to the lovely Moannie..
As I have stated here before new Year's celebrations mostly leave me cold, I don't do resolutions and often find it quite a sad time, the marking of another year passing.
However this time, I have had a busy end of year, firstly with the death of Mum/Moannie and all that this involved; the preamble of another christmas without the ones I love with me, my son again spent most of Christmas and Boxing day with his father, sister and the ex-inlaws; finally l made the decision in late November to move out from the flat, to which I escaped the nastiness of events of three years ago (which we needn't rehash).
So festivities over, so much as they were, I spent the new year and few days after between work, decorating and putting up shelving in the new house and packing up the flat. I moved out last friday, with a little help from my friends, and I drove the transit van which was great fun and I have been here a week. Boxes emptied, books shelved, food stored, beds made and curtains…