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Showing posts from August, 2010

The Halls of my Yesterday

When reading someone's latest post, I often feel that they must have been inside my head and written out my thoughts for all to see! But in a more succinct and beautiful way than l ever could. Some time ago the wonderful Erin posted about our yesterdays and talked about living with one foot in the past and one in the present.  

I let her post wash over me. I questioned myself and then l sighed. I inhaled her words.   I felt that she had walked the halls of my yesterday.  I do seem to live with one foot in the past. I tend to hanker after a simpler life, a world where I felt safe and sound, without a whiff of responsibility. Although I surround myself with furniture and bits and pieces I feel I can't part with. This is I think the way I fill the hole inside, it may replace the missed feeling of security that we children have when young and are rotected by our families, by our environment and by our parents. Some of us have been lucky enough in this world to live with the two par…

Running on empty...

I am empty

At first I couldn't sleep, then l couldn't read, now I fear I cannot write. I have ideas for new posts everyday, but I cannot seem to string the words together in an appropriate fashion. I ask myself if this is another phase on my road of 'recovery'. I don't know and to be honest I am just going along with this and I have given up looking for answers. It is exhausting, all these questions, most of which I know I will never find their truths.

So, as I have been reading over previous posts. Some are quite interesting and telling and perhaps prophetic in their honesty. In their innocence in terms of how, when and why I wrote them, back then. Rather than leave this blog alone as a wasteland , I have scheduled a few posts which now speak to me on a new level, with a deeper relevance and resonance than when they were first written.

I hope those of you who are more recent visitors here enjoy them, and for those of you who dread  'repeats', l ask that yo…

Happy Birthday Moannie!!

It's Moannies Birthday today!

Hope you have a relaxing day and Dad/JP spoils you to bits!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!! Saz & Moannie c1961

eat, pray, love

I have had the book, 'eat pray love' by Elizabeth Gilbert by my bedside for the past year or so, after watching an interview with the author on tv. I was immediately drawn to her story; a combination of heartbreak, separation, divorce, her spiritual search and her love of food!    I began to read it and immediately found it was resounding within me with such accuracy, especially the eating section!

Then came the run up to Christmas, all the prep, the festivities and my work and l put the book aside as l knew l didn't want to devour it block buster or bonkbuster style. I wanted to breathe it in slowly, with concentration and thought. Then, soon after the new year I came to a place where I found I could no longer read, at all. I am still in that place. Although the road has taken many twists and turns, six months later I still cannot read even a magazine article I just lurk and read the images and titles.

As well as the book on my bedside, which haunts me every time l glance at …

Introducing Rumer

Last week as we were driving home from the IOW, this tune was playing on Radio 2 on Ken Bruce, I was mesmerised by the melodious, crystal clear voice which immediately reminded me of Karen Carpenter...

I have just found it on Youtube and the song is her/their debut single to be released 28 August

I hope you like it....I luv it!

under the skin

On Sunday evening I met up with Fhina and her husband, we had tickets for Peter Green and friends and  l was living in deep denial and certain that Carlos Santana would turn up as a said 'friend'.
And I was more excited the whole week before because Fhina and I would get to chat and catch up with each other. Not sure how this would happen as concerts are historically LOUD and you will know how hard it is to hold any conversation! However Peter Green cancelled due to illness and Fhina emailed to say they would still come over to visit! Yeah! We chatted in the bar, drank lots of wine, ate tapas and l delighted in her company.
Fhina and I met through our blogs and then our first meeting was in Newcastle in May 2009 when Fhina and I arranged a rendezvous for coffee. Neither of us wanted to end our meeting, so she then accompanied me to the French consulate, to support me in my nervousness. As l had an appointment with The Consul General  for my application and as it turned out, an in…

The Return

Allowing for forthcoming dramas and no doubt many moments of crisis, I feel I am in part returning to myself.
I have taken time in  the last two months to nurture my well-being. A variety of relaxation, meditation and self seeking courses have unlocked inner compartments and my searching has nourished and fed me. A trip away with girlfriends has allowed me a detachment I did not know l needed nor could I feel.
I have so far had three sessions with a Psychologist/Counsellor, benevolently organised through my work and it has been wonderful, truly. Surprising. Questioning. Difficult. Upsetting. Revealing. Comforting even.
The realisation of why I have made the choices I have, is very liberating.
Understanding breaks the shell of confusion and conflict into the core of resolution and forgiveness. Thus opening up a path towards tomorrow.
Many issues have not changed since February mostly in terms of the practical and logistical. But I have come to realise that acceptance on some levels is achie…